How do you Hug a Porcupine? What to do when your kid is hurtful (and hurting)
How does one develop affinity for a prickly puss? The first question might be, “why would you want to do that?” And the truth is folks, it isn’t so much a matter of wanting to do this, but more a matter of needing to. You see, I can’t give my child away so I have to figure out a way to see the light in this person who is essentially a light bulb without a filament (I realize calling them that doesn’t move me in the right direction but that’s where it’s at right now). It is so draining being around someone who is constantly complaining or focusing on how everything never goes their way. Even a “yes day” doesn’t help and can actually backfire if you actually expect you can fill up this person.
Now if you’re one of those people who claim it is easy to love your adopted child, and that your love is no different than the love you have for your birth children, you can keep scrolling on to something else. That’s great if that is your experience and if you judge me for mine, I actually don’t care, but these words won’t be helpful to you. So, move on and go enjoy your easy to love children.
It is my hope that this helps all kinds of parents and people in relationships where you have to love a hurting person, however you find yourself in that situation. I am writing this from the adoptive parent perspective but I do believe that the ideas here could apply to turning around a relationship with a birth child, sibling or romantic partner. (Provided that the relationship is not dangerous.)
Now, while it seems I am writing a “how to” manual, it should be known that this is more a work of self-reflection and helping myself figure this shit out more so than a list of “tried and true” methods that have actually been proven to work out in the long run. I most definitely have not worked out this shit so far but here are my thoughts and revelations up until this point.
Step 1: Acknowledge that I am not solely responsible for their pain. Everyone has a past; even the baby adopted at 1 hour old. Their life experience up until they met me shaped their worldview and no amount of material gifts, positive praise or pattern of meeting needs is going to change the way they see life until they decide for themselves that they do not want to live that way. I did nothing to create this person and the situation they are living in. I can demonstrate a different way of doing things, but I cannot convince them they are wrong for feeling the way they do and seeing the world the way they do.
Step 2: Realize I am allowed to have my feelings guilt free. I am allowed to feel frustrated by constant complaining. I am allowed to feel resentment that this person isn’t grateful for the gifts they receive and I don’t always have to be calm, understanding, or an empathic rock for this person. I am healthy because I acknowledge that things feel icky sometimes and I don’t dwell on it (like some people). I can do that because I have a healthy worldview and a different set of life experiences than this person.
Step 3: Make a list of positive attributes about this person; notice when I want to put a “but…” after every positive phrase – then let that go too. I tried making a list of all the things I love/find enjoyable about this person in order to take a step to reframe my thinking. After each one, for ex. “Can be kind,” my brain added…”except for that time…” I’m realizing that this is part of the problem. Focusing on the positive is hard in people who give off negative energy, are always complaining or are down in the dumps. What doing this activity and reflecting on it brought me to understand is that I am now anticipating and expecting negativity to come out of their mouth and now my own self-talk is putting it there before they even say anything. Misery loves company and boy do they do a good job of getting it. I think to solve this I need to re-write the script in my own head which leads me to the next step.
Step 4: Treat with unconditional positive regard – expect goodness. Instead of looking at the way things are (crappy) and feeling a way as a result (crappy); envision how things could be and expect that from this person. I find myself constantly expecting negative shit to come out of their mouth and lo and behold, there is it! It’s always like, “here we go again.” What if I interrupt that with anticipation of gratitude and positivity? If I constantly expect and act and focus on the good stuff all around me? They will either get swept up in it and agree… or disagree, put on the puss face and skedaddle that hiney to sulk, which I don’t have to be a part of.
Step 5: Find a way to laugh together. This is probably the hardest hump for me at this point. I have so much built up resentment (which I am acknowledging and allowing myself to have instead of feeling guilty about) that it is hard to enjoy time with this person. We’re going on a trip tomorrow, I’ll let you know how that goes.
Things to say:
I’m really sorry you feel that way.
I wish I could give you all the things the way you want them.
I wish I could give you _________.
I’m sorry things didn’t work out with ____________.
It’s so hard being the one who ____________.
I’m so glad you told me about that, I always want to know about your feelings of not having enough.
You do notice a lot when things don’t feel like enough.
I know you didn’t always have what you needed as a baby/before you joined our family/in the past and I’m sorry you went through that.
I wonder if you were little you didn’t get as many hugs and cuddles as you needed, if you were with us, it would have been different. This is how I would have done it.
What else do you want to tell me?
Addendum: I wrote this early in 2019. I feel completely different about this person today in 2022. I forgot I even wrote this reflection and just found it on my computer. Today this child and I are in a completely different place emotionally. Reading through the scripts at the bottom, I realize I’m still saying these things but they are second nature at this point. I feel so free.
If something here resonates with you, let’s connect.
With love, Jill
