My husband called me today and I can hear it in his voice- shaking and a deep sigh. He had left the house only 10 minutes earlier with all 5 kids to take them on a walk around the block with the plan to spend some time playing at the creek. On the phone, he takes a deep breath, “We’re having a moment and I need to troubleshoot with you for a minute.”
Ok. I go into crisis mode; “What can I do to help? Do you need me to pick up some of the kids?”
Those parents with emotionally reactive kids will know this mode.
We talk and he relays the details of what went down. Sparing you all the particulars, it involved cries for attention, interruptions, physical altercation, crying, and pouting. One teen was in full crisis mode, giving a glare that could burn a hole in your soul. I could just picture them all down by the creek, upset, emotional and trying to piece it all together in order to make it home safe.
After talking to my husband for a minute, he seemed to have clarity. He makes it home sending the kids in pairs. He follows alone with the most upset teenager. We come together at the table with the kids and all but one of them are able to relate their perception, make amends and move on.
Except the one. Not a surprise, actually.
This person continues to give the “I’ll kill you eyes,” to both me and my husband. They started working on a small craft project that was nearby. My husband wants them to stop, look and listen. Be respectful.
My husband and I continue talking and I relate that perhaps the crafting is soothing or down-regulating and doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t listening. It felt like a “fuck you” move, but in reality, I didn’t think it was. My husband was still pissed, so it was harder for him to have that perspective. I advocate that this may be just what the upset person needs. My husband is totally on board with this perspective and admirably shifts gears and quickly shifts to feeling better about the craft.
My husband and I continue talking and all sorts of topics come up; stress responses, arousal, how we respond without thinking when we’re upset. How often teenagers are challenging us and looking to push a boundary as a way of establishing their identity. How, as parents, our motivations are often about keeping our children safe. My husband speaks about his fear that if the child can’t listen to his authority, what is going to happen if there’s a moment with the police and the child reacts this way? We spend so much time trying to flesh out what happened, possible reframes, and plans about how to do better next time.
Nearing the end of our talk, I turn to my teen who has continued on their craft project but has remained in the room.
I want some acknowledgement and resolution.
“What do you think about what happened today?” I say.
Silence. I mentally back up thinking maybe the open endedness of the question is too much.
“Did you listen to the conversation?”
They look up; Silence and dagger eyes.
I start feeling triggered. My heart is beating faster. I start thinking all the thoughts about how this is ruining my day.
Me: “It’s a yes or no question.”
They finally respond, “I just don’t want to talk.”
At this moment, I had to stop myself. I wanted resolution. I wanted them to come to a place where they could look at the situation, what went down, and what they could do differently next time.
They weren’t in a place where that was currently possible.
I say, “Ok, thanks for sharing that.”
They weren’t in a place where they could process the event for some reason, either from shame, fear or what exactly- I don’t know.
In the past, I would have pushed, because I needed this wrapped up. I needed them to be able to see their role so that they could change their behavior.
But pushing for what I needed was just going to escalate things.
So I had to exercise restraint. I had to let go of what I wanted, which was to talk it out and get some resolution.
I grew up in a family where one took responsibility for their actions. I realized I need to find a different way to meet this kid where they’re at.
Ok, “What do you need? Are you hungry?”
Softening, they said, “I don’t know.”
Still working on their craft project, still looking down. I got up and made them lunch.
I had to tell myself, “This is where it’s at. This is where they’re at.”
My need for closure and resolution didn’t trump their emotional need for space and unconditional love. In the past, my husband and I would have considered it a loss or missed opportunity that that moment didn’t get processed. But I have to trust that it will, at the right time when we’re both in a headspace to do it.
Resolution: I returned to my teen that night before bed and asked a similar question, “What did you think about the conversation daddy and I were having?” We proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation finding the learning I knew was possible. I know that we will still have more difficult times but my husband and I are both feeling empowered from what we have had the opportunity to learn from this.
